It’s been a while!

It’s been a long while since I posted anything on the blog, mainly due to the busy life of a single parent. Weeks whizz past in a whirlwind of cooking, cleaning, working, shopping, dropping off, picking up, tears, tantrums, kids parties and play (whilst trying to maintain some kind of social life!) but also because in the most part life for us continues to move forward in a positive, stress free way.

We are so fortunate to be surrounded by people who love and accept us no matter what and day-to-day life is good.

This said there are still days when the pressure of raising a gender creative child can be totally overwhelming – today was one of those days! Nothing happened, nothing was different but the feeling of anxiety and grief somehow managed to overcome me.

I am part of a parent support group when people share stories about their lives and the lives of their children and although this is often a massive support it also sometimes highlights some of the struggles we as a family will face in the future.

It saddens me to read some of the terrible experiences some people face when trying to get support from the wider community just to enable their children to lead a normal happy life.

On day’s like today I often read over this blog to remind myself of a few things:

1. How far I have come in my own personal journey of both grief and acceptance.
2. How far Ben has come in terms of happiness and contentment and confidence.
3. To remind myself of how lucky we have been so far – In the early days some of my friends and family found it hard to accept but they have worked hard to overcome their own doubts and fears, they didn’t have too but they did because they love Ben, they love me and they want to be there to support us on our journey.

I guess I also wanted to send a message to other parents in my situation, I want to remind you that you are doing such a good job! Until people have walked in our shoes they will never understand how difficult a normal day can be, how much pressure we feel to do and say the right thing and how hard it is to raise a child who hates the body they were born with. No parent should ever have to comfort their 5-year-old child who is telling you they wish they had never been born because their body isn’t right!

You are all amazing, even on your down days you are still doing a fantastic job!

I hope that my blog continues to reach out to other family’s who are searching for support.

Everyone needs a Nick!

Oh my goodness, so emotional after watching My Transgender Kid on channel 4 yesterday. It’s so strange that your emotions and feelings can be hidden so deeply and the smallest thing can bring them bubbling to the surface!

What a wonderful program, very brave family’s talking honestly about their lives – laying their worries and fears, hopes and dreams out for the world to see. It’s refreshing to see family’s standing up and saying “this is us” rather than hiding away and seeking anonymity. George is so lucky to have Nick in his life, that man could potentially change his life – it was amazing to watch and obviously meant so much to Nick that he was able to give another person the love and support which he never had. Everyone needs to find their Nick, someone to guide and support them in their journey!

Both family’s have wonderful, brave, beautiful children and I personally am so very proud to have one of the 1 in 1,000 children in England who don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth.

I am however left wondering why the program has left me feeling so emotionally drained? Is it the fear of the future, the relief that I am not alone or sadness and grief for the little girl I once had . . . . is it purely the massive weight of being a parent of a child with gender dysphoria. I don’t know, but it has definitely made me feel a mixture of both happy and sad which is strange.

Recently I have noticed more pangs of ‘missing’ Summer than usual, I put it down to the fact my second child Lena is now the age that Summer became Ben. It is VERY strange when I get old clothes out of the attic, dresses and tights (my favorite combo) which now fit Lean and I can still see Summer wearing them – that has definitely been hard. But at the same time it has reminded me of how much strength it must have taken Ben to ‘come out’ aged 2.5 and how unusual it is for a child to be so sure of themselves that young.

It is however amazing how many stories and journeys are being shared in the media recently, I know that for me as a parent one of my biggest fears is how difficult the future could be for Ben but the media coverage does give me hope that by the time my baby is in high school our kids wont give two hoots about gender and actually my fears will be unfounded – hears hoping!

A memory from the days of Summer to share with you:

Massive win!

After my meeting yesterday,  today the deputy head approached me today and asked if I would be able to help them arrange some staff training in the spring / summer term next year. Her and the head have discussed it and think it would be good to give the staff a better insight into gender as a whole and particularly teaching a child with gender issues and also so that they can discuss things which they see as potential problems in the future (swimming basically!) – massive win all round, what a fantastic outcome!

Ending on a high!

Had a fantastic meeting with B’s deputy head teacher today, very open and honest and got everything off my chest – she has 100% put my mind at rest that I have the full backing of the school and their management team. She has invited me to come into school whenever feel they need an update and she has assured me that she will ensure ALL staff feel comfortable / able to deal with Ben using the male pronoun and if there is any member of staff who isn’t comfortable she will make sure they have a platform to speak to her initially and if they need / want to invite them to speak to me for further guidance.

She was shocked and annoyed about the recent discovery as apparently within the teaching staff Ben almost always referred too as a Boy and many staff at the school don’t even know who Summer is (still a tear to my eye when I remember my little girl even after all this time)

I feel so uplifted and confident after our meeting and also guilty for posting anything negative (*post now deleted) about a school which on the whole has been fantastic. They will probably never know what an impact their acceptance will have had on Ben’s life and hopefully he has been able to open their minds and hearts to the life of a gender nonconforming child!

Lucky, lucky, lucky.

Today I wanted to share with you some beautiful words an old colleague sent me recently – it is so heartwarming to know that people, even those I am not close too read our story and support us.

I think as Ben grows and potentially finds aspects of life difficult it will be such a source of comfort to him that so many people from so many corners of our lives support him and support me. We are very lucky!

Sent on facebook as a private message:

Not sure if you’ll remember me from —- but I read your blog via —- post on here (facebook) and just wanted to offer a few words of support (although I don’t think they’re needed – you’re doing a wonderful job with Ben). You are raising an amazing child, doing a fantastic job as a mother and are an inspiration to all other parents, regardless of how their children choose to live their lives – support is the key to being a good parent and you clearly have it (-in bucketloads) love to you both and best wishes for the future

I would add that this is not the only lovely feedback I have been given, you are all wonderfully supportive and I am filled with gratitude, this message just struck a cord as it was send by someone who I have not seen in years and who I was never massively close too but it still means so much! Thank you all.

Peer Support

Just back from my first parent support group feeling fantastic, it was only me and my beautiful friend in attendance but as they say:

We have started the support group for other parents with gender nonconforming children who might need help, support or just a friendly hug! We are going to hold a session every month for the grownups and hopefully other groups for the children too. There is a total gap in the market for this kind of support group in our area and I think me and Lou are the ladies for the job.

Even without anyone else being there we can still talk for an hour without blinking and with we had another three to fill! I am so blessed to have met such a wonderful friend, its crazy to think that we have only known each other for a few months but due to our common ground it feels like a lifetime.

Mental block!

Ive been mega stressed since you guy’s actually started reading and enjoying the blog that I had to keep writing to keep the interest and the momentum – but the truth is I have nothing to write, I have written so many lines then deleted them and started again but then last night I realised that I have nothing to write because there is nothing to report!

There is no drama, there is no funny tales. At the moment we are just living our lives and enjoying our place in them.

Although I could talk about Gender all day long I feel that the blog will loose its identity if it is just filled with information about Gender Dysphoria –  you can all find that information on a Google search if that is what your looking for.

I guess the point of this post really is for the family’s who are just starting the journey, when every day is filled with tears and confusion and terror of what is to come I am telling you:  IT WILL BE OKAY and one day, like I am now you will find your moment of calm. I think if someone could have told me that when I started this journey it would have given me great comfort – so there it is.

Life is good if we live it the way we want and stop worrying about how other people see us or feel about our choices. as parents we have the right to support our children without judgement and as children they have the right to identify as whoever they are be it boy, girl or neither.

“The person they feel they really are”

I came across this fantastic work by photographer Sarah Wong this week, some beautiful images and a wonderful subject close to my heart (obviously) it was a 9 year project documenting children who live as the opposite gender to the one they were assigned at birth ans is totally worth a look. Stunning!

My favorite quote from the piece is by one of the children photograph:

“I think everyone should be open about it. Especially young kids in classrooms. That way you’ll breed more empathy in schools and everyone will look out for each other. People will be less quick to pass judgment.” – Child

Wise words!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lynzybilling/portraits-of-cross-gender-children-reveal-the-person-they-fe#.yh5R3p4pG

Toilet tales

So, if gender equality is now recognised as a human right (has been since 2010) why oh why is the toilet situation still such an issue?

I recently watched a wonderful video of transgender adults answering a series of ‘most frequently asked’ questions and one of them was “which bathroom do you use” they just laughed.

I have heard an awful story recently of a little girl (MTF) who has recently come out at school and transitioned as a girl who ended wetting herself due to another child not letting her in the girls toilets because the child’s mother had told her that this little girl had a willy! Firstly WTF and secondly why was that parent discussing another child’s genitalia with her daughter! At this child’s school although the school have said she can use the female toilets the parents are in uproar and have very aggressively argued their case for making her use the boys loos!

It appears that when it comes to toilets a lot of people have very strong views, personally I can’t understand it, imagine for a moment living as a boy, wearing a boy’s uniform, having a boy’s name and short hair (essentially BEING a boy) and then having to walk into a toilet full of girls! Surely anyone can see that this is not right?! It would make that child feel like a rabbit in the headlights, I would imagine it would make the other toilet users feel uncomfortable and it draws much more attention to the situation than is needed.

Obviously I understand as children get older there is a safeguarding issue but surely if the child or in fact adult feels comfortable using the toilets of the gender that they live (and why wouldn’t they) then they should be left alone to do so in peace?! And is it really anyone else’s business where they do their business!

At our school we have unisex toilets at the moment but when the time comes there will be no argument where my child will go to toilet, I will allow him to use whichever bathroom he feels comfortable and will expect the school to be behind me, I hope that other parents will not have an issue with it but if they do I will be sure to have the 2010 human rights act to hand!

Beautiful words by a beautiful man . . . .

A short video by a man called Decker Moss, its moving, emotional and honest and basically sums up the way I think the world should be!

We all have a roll to play in making that happen, even if the only thing we do is more aware of the frequency we use pronouns – is there a time when instead of saying good girl / boy we could simply say good job? Why do we as a society feel the need to re-affirm each others gender constantly!?